" When the going gets tough, the tough gets...? "

Diarrhea, of course...!!!

         Ugh, as you've probably guessed by now, i've got a severe case of diarrhea.. i always get diarrhea when i'm stressed out, ( imagine 3 weeks of non-stop "lau-sai" during my SPM!  ) plus a steadily-climbing fever, so i'm kinda drifting between realities at the moment..  (Please bear with me as i try to sort out my thoughts here..  )

         Before i forget, i wanna say a huge SORRY to all the people that i had to cancel plans with.. (Things have been a lil rough lately..)

         Well, my (Kuantan) grandmother's not feeling so good again.. During Chinese New Year last week (when i was in KL), i got a call from home, telling us that she nearly fainted, and vomitted a  lot..  (She usually bounces back after a few days, but this time..things don't look so good. )

         I hear my dad downstairs, preparing the new wheelchair we bought for her. ( I'm going down to help out as soon as i finish this ) Prior to this, she always insisted on walking everywhere, even whacking my mom when we suggested buying her a walking stick!  

         Then again, my grandma's already 90-plus years old, and i realize that no one can last forever.. Most of my grand-aunts who're much younger than her have already "gone", and my parents say it's a miracle she's outlived them all!

(* Oh my God, from what i can hear now, my whole family is taking turns wheeling each other downstairs!  Hehe, probably to make her feel comfortable bout it..)

         Back when i was in kindergarten, i was a real brat to my grandma on 2 occasions.. ( I vaguely remember thrashing her room once, and offering her an apple, then eating i myself.. ) As i grew older, ( i.e, grew a brain ), i realized how terribly wrong i was at those times. However, it was already too late to apologize to her, since :

--> she's completely deaf, ( my skills at sign-language wasn't adequate in this case )

--> i don't want to remind her what happened almost a decade-and-a-half ago..

         So how do i live with my guilt? Since the day it ( "it", being true guilt, remorse, regret.. ) hit me about 6 years ago, i have tried everything to make her as happy as possible, by taking care of her when she fell sick, watching television with her ( even though it was some Thailand soap opera ), listening to her stories bout the Japanese Occupation, staying up late into the morning when she had those horrible cramps thoughout my SPM, ( my whole family, including the maid, was sick, and i was the only one still standing..) and lately, being her pert-time walking stick and nurse..

         When i went to KL for almost the whole of december last year, my parents told me that she was extremely worried, and kept asking them where i was, did i go to KL to study so soon, when i was coming back, etc.. (My parents were kinda puzzled by this, cause she's never displayed such affection before.. They said she was really attached to me.. )

         Nevertheless, does all that lessen my ever-increasing guilt now that she's so frail?

No, it DOESN'T HELP ME ONE DAMNED BIT!! ( and i doubt if the guilt will ever go away.. ) 

          At the moment, i can barely walk myself, how am i supposed to feed and help my grandma around?? ( spent the whole afternoon alternately sleeping and bringing her around in the house cause everytime i got up to go sleep upstairs, she would ask where i was going.. )

         Now the last time i ever felt so helpless was when my dad had a relapse of vertigo, ( something similar to dizzyness, only much worse ) and my mom completely broke down, my sister was in KL ( working, of course ) and i had to dig out the family history myself, worry bout the insurance claims, make nidnight visits to the E.R,  pacify anabsolutely useless mom, she kept talking sprouting nonsense bout a tumour, and blaming everything on ME!!!  ( Like,hello?? How the f*** did i suddenly get the gift to cause vertigo to others?? ) and all that a mere week from my SPM! ( Okay, i'll admit that i'm a last-minute worker, so sue me..)

         Why must we die? Although i've had relatives pass away many times before, i didn't really know them very well. Also, my parents were always careful to find excuses to avoid me attending funerals.. ( i wonder why? )

         As a result, i have no idea what happens when someone close to you dies, probably i'll lose my head completely, and start screaming " F*** YOU!!! " at everyone attending the funeral in church..  Now that's one Mass i don't wanna play the organ for..