A conversation to remember.. ?  NOT..!!

Guy ( whispers shyly ) : I love you.. I miss your smile.. Will you be my gF? When can

                                      i see you again??

Girl (who has a tiny crush on the guy) : Umm, i'm sorry but you've gotta give me

                                                              some time, so we can get to know each

                                                              other a lil better.. Why the rush anyway?

Guy:  .........

* an uncomfortable silence that lasts a few minutes ensues..

Girl: Hello? Are you still there? Its not that i don't like you or anything, i think you're

        really nice, but... it's just too fast.. Do you understand what i'm trying to say?

Guy : Umm, well, why can't we get to know each other after you say yes? Don't

         worry, i have one day off per week. I'll travel by bus to visit you then..!

Girl: I'm really sorry, but i feel that we should definitely not rush things.. How bout

        taking things slowly,  okay?

Guy:  Yeah, sure. I'll think about it.. Umm, ya know what? i think i've gotta go..

          Sorry kay? Take care, Bye!

* End of phone conversation..

       Bewildered girl is left staring at the phone, wondering if she made the right choice by rejecting the cute guy who asked her.. Cute, yes, but he was still someone new, a virtual stranger to her! (i.e, someone who hadn't gained her trust yet )

         As she lay awake that night, she thought of her decision.. All she wanted, was to know if his heart was as good as his looks, and how far would he make the effort to get to know her better as the weeks went by. ( After all, the wait would be worth it if he was really as great as he seemed.) The first few weeks, he called occasionally and she managed to get a glimpse of his life..

         What she saw worried, and even confused her, however. There was just too much intensity, and no moderation what-so-ever! The guy seemed to live by the old proverb, " Work hard, play hard ". ( When he wasn't working hard, he was partying hard..) He didn't seem to find anything odd about coming home at dawn, or finishing a box of cigarettes a day..

         After a while, the girl began to wonder, if his actions really were the norm of the people where he lived. Perhaps her own standards were too high, then? However, she had made her choice, that is, her own values would come before other's, and so she tried to forget him. It shouldn't have taken her such a long time to do something as simple as that, (since his sudden coldness and lack of calls hurt and confused her even further), but it did. The worst was, he kept alternating between pestering the girl for her answer, ( as he didn't accept her "No" the first time he asked her ) and ignoring her completely.

         She couldn't take it anymore, as it was slowly driving her mad. And so, with the help of her best friends, she began to forget the past, and let go. It wasn't easy, but soon her bitterness faded away, and she began to laugh again. She also learnt ( the very hard way ) the invaluable lesson that talk is cheap, as actions speak louder than words.. Sometimes she wonders, if most of them out there are jerks just as he was, and she lapses into cynicism and dry humour once more..

THE END

* DISCLAIMER: ALL CHARACTERS IN THE STORY TOLD ABOVE ARE

                         COMPLETELY FICTIONAL..! THEREFORE, ANY RESEMBLANCE

                         BETWEEN THE CHARACTERES ABOVE AND PEOPLE IN REAL

                         LIFE WAS PURELY INTENTIONAL. THANK YOU FOR READING!

Question that's on my mind at the moment...

" Is it normal for an insomniac to lose her appetite after several sleepless nights?? "

         Hmm.. On the other hand, is it normal to have several sleepless nights at all? I wasn't always plagued by insomnia you know.. Once in a while, i would actually manage to be dead to the world by 1 or 2 a.m..! ( *sigh* ) Anyway, back to my question.. It's kinda weird, cause all of a sudden, yesterday, i completely lost my appetite!! Like, wtf?? Eating used to be my favourite past-time ever since..forever! ( especially since going for that camp, i've now learned the true value of fast-food!  ) Oh well, bright side is... I'm now 48.5 kgs...!!!! Hehe, to some people, it may not be much, but i think going from 53 kgs to 48.5 kgs is major accomplishment, right?  ( Then again, hope i start eating normally soon, and not become anorexic, bulimic, or anything worse..  )

         Oh, wait, i did eat today..!! Totally forgot that i had some "chicken fingers" that my friend, Sha, offered me this afternoon.. Hehe, i know, "chicken fingers" sound kinda gross, but its actually normal chicken nuggets, only in bite-sized pieces..! ( I was a lil surprised at first since i've never heard of it before.. ) Spent an amazingly enjoyable and refreshing time at Sha's this whole afternoon.. Umm, even fell asleep ( for almost an hour..! ) while Sha watched reruns on Astro.. It was really sweet of her to invite me over, since she knows i still need loads of activities to keep me sane ( for now anyway ), and at the same time, someone who's willing to hear me complain and sob over my unfortunate life. After ranting bout a certain someone to Sha, (and both of us alternately cursing that someone.. ) , i felt so damned tired that i dozed off almost immediately.. Guess she thought i needed to sleep pretty badly ( due to worsening insomnia ) so i only woke up blearily when my dad called..Thank you so much Sha, words cannot express how grateful i am to you..!    ( and also to my friends who've helped me in some way or another, luv you guys to pieces!  *especially those who tried "intro-ing" me to new people.. )

         I shall be going to KL for a week the day after tomorrow..( for Chinese New Year ) Now, i'm not sure whether to laugh, or to cry since life seems to hand me perfectly good opportunities at the worst damnest times..! Ironically, the very reason i wanted to go to KL so much is now the one reason why i loathe going there! ( the less said bout that, the better.. )

         Oh, its only 1.50 a.m.. What should i do now? Hmm, guess i could always go improvise the songs for band practice tomorrow morning..And as usual, i havn't even opened the list of songs i'm supposed to play! ( Procrastinator i shall be, no matter what else changes in my life.. ) After that, it'll be watching a movie in the afternoon! Then i'll have to rush home to pack at night, since i'll be leaving the following morning.. ( Hehe, see what i mean bout me leaving everything till the last minute? ) Kay, i'm gonna go look for my music sheets now, er.. think i lost them somewhere during the last practice..Oopz..!   Bye..!

         Okay, this is gonna be a short post cause it's really late (erm, its 3am so to some people i guess it's really early.. ) Anyway, i was just thinking..

"How deep is my faith as a Christian?"

Answer: (i think, probably as deep as a dish of water.. )

      Why do i criticize myself so harshly? Its simple, really.. One example should more than prove it.. Okay, this Christian camp i went to last month? They had this freaky "healing session", where this priest prayed on each individual. Many people were already sobbing or plain possesed by the time it was their turn to be prayed upon. ( Even my own sister fainted after he prayed on her! ) Meanwhile, yours truly was watching the whole scene with amusement at first, then with growing horror as they had to clear the hall since so many people were "slain in the Lord" and were dead to the world! I really couldn't feel anything, after the whole incident some of my friends said they felt a warm glow while ohers had uncontrollable shivering fits.. As for me..? Read on..

* Welcome to Christine's panicked and disjointed thoughts as her turn to be prayed upon grew nearer :

ME:

"Oh shit, only 3 more people and it's gonna be my turn larh..! Die, why don't i feel anything?? Oh no, 2 more people then its my turn...!!

5 minutes later..

" F***, 1 more person and its my turn..!! I wonder if i can pretend that i need to go to the bathroom? Oopz, too late, some facilitator seems to be guarding the damn door.. But i really do feel sick..!! ( I didn't eat much, so i was slightly lightheaded )

1 minute later...

PRIEST (talking to me) :

" Surrender yourself to God, let Him take control of you,.. bla bla bla,..you must relax your mind and body..bla bla... 

* Priest lifts my hands, continues asking me to let go..

ME:

" Oopz, i feel like laughing..!! Shit, i doubt if this was what he meant by letting go, i must control, must not burst out laughing..  Maybe i should just pretend to faint or something? Erm, on 2nd thoughts, better not.. (i may hit my head on the floor if that guy doesn't catch me in time.. ) Oh, THANK GOD, he's finished praying over me..! Yippee, now i can get back to my seat and watch other people faint..!  "

..............

      Yup, that about sums up the depth of my faith.. Sad, isn't it? Then again, i've met so-called Christians at that camp who smoke, gets drunk and goes clubbing till dawn.. I don't wanna judge anyone ( who knows, i may do the same after i move to KL..) so that's all for now, night..!

Location: Upstairs hall

Mood: DECIDEDLY GLOOMY

Prayer for now?

"God, give me a miracle, please make me forget that camp i went to last month.. "

Weight lost ?: 1.5 kgs !!!    ( Oh alright, mood is slightly improving..  )

         ( *Sigh* ) Last night would be my most miserable one in history.. ( i just couldn't sleep! ) Not only did i have to cram loads of Undang crap into my head (the exam was supposed to be today), i also had to improvise and sort out the church songs i'm gonna play for Mass this Sunday! Oh, and i had to worry bout my sprained (or twisted?? i've no idea..) wrist. Guess its time to accept the fact that my right-hand wrist definitely needs time to heal before it can start playing music again. ( i blame this entirely on myself, since i twisted it beautifully last year but was too stubborn to see a doctor and immobilize it..  ) I had such a scare last night when i couldn't even flip a light switch without wincing in pain..! Thank goodness, went to see a dr today.. ( painkillers, a wristguard and plenty of rest should do the trick..) Even if it doesn't help, there's nothing much i can do now.. Sometimes, i get really pissed at the people in my church. Its like, when the organist plays just ONE note wrong, almost everyone in church turns and gives you that look.. (the worst are those who give the condescending smiles.. ) Thankfully, I don't get such stares anymore, probably cause of either one of these reasons.. :

a) Hmm, I've improved a lot throughout these 5 years? ( Hehe, yeah right..  )

b) I now return every stare with my own, well practiced "if-you're-so-great-why-don't  you-come-here-and-play-instead?" glare.

c) I don't really care what people think of my performance anymore. After all, i'm not playing for them..!

   *You may skip this part, cause its kinda boring.. ( or rather, more boring than usual..?  )

         Besides worrying bout old injuries,  i've also been pretty busy looking for things to do to fill my time. ( Since i'm moving on with my life and all that.. ) It's a lot harder than i thought, this whole "moving on" business.. Sometimes life feels so unbearable that you just wanna pick that person from your dreams and hug him!!   Anyway, back to my progress on forgetting that certain someone.. Playing in the band which my friends and I started for fun really helps as i need all the concentration to improvise songs.. Between that, baking uncountable amounts of cookies with my mom for Chinese New Year, hunting for suitable colleges or universities, going out with my friends, partying and reading loads of storybooks (when insomnia strikes at night), i guess my plan to "self-distract" is working pretty well.. Then again, i feel like i'm on a wheel, sometimes i manage not to think of him, sometimes i don't.. Oh well, wish me luck!  ( As in, luck to stabilize myself, not with that guy! )

         Oh, before i end, i have something very important to blog down.. i'd like to pay tribute to my dear friend, PRESENA!! Hehe, recently i gave her my blogsite, and she feels like i've forgotten her after all these years... ( She moved away 5 years ago..  ) How could i ever forget all the fun (and sometimes poignant ) memories we had back in primary school?  And so, i hope you come and visit me for Chinese New Year Pres, miss yah!!  With this, i wish all the insomniacs out there a very good night..! (or morning, whichever suits you..  ) Bye!

        Before i begin, i would like to say a huge THANK YOU  to my friend (you know who you are.. ) who gave me my first driving lesson..!  It was really nice of him, since i was really, really blur and it was my first time sitting at the wheel! ( Hell, i didn't even know how to start the engine!  ) Luckily, he's the patient sorta guy, so we managed pretty well in the end, i think..  ( With another friend laughing crazily at the back..  But it was really nice of her to agree to sit in the car while i drove, thank you sha!!  ) Back to my umm, "instructor".. He took a great risk teaching me since i could've crashed us both to heaven (or hell, wherever.. !  ) at any moment.. Hehe, and i would like to apologize to him for breaking his car handle.. ( Umm, the less mention of that incident, the better..!  )

         It's true you know, that money is the root of all evil. ( Or rather, it is, when your family is arguing over it a mere week away from Chinese New Year..! ) Its not my immediate family who's doing the arguing, its more like some aunts and uncles. Their argument is steadily getting more ridiculous with each passing day, as further shit from the past gets dug up.. Lets see, the hot topic for now would be the  "astounding"  amount of RM 500 that my ( long dead ) great-grandfather borrowed from my aunt-in-law's grandfather's nephew..! (or something like that..) Like, HELLO..? The borrower and the lender are both DEAD!!! So why cant their descendants just move on and get a life? In the end, my parents stepped in and paid the damned amount to the accusing party.. Hopefully, that settles it, and we shall hear no more outrageous debts during Chinese New Year.. As far as i'm concerned, this whole affair means one red packet less for me this year!  (Rather selfish of me, don't you think? )

         There's a gathering tomorrow in KL for those who attended the camp i was at last December.. Of course, i shall NOT be going since i lost very badly during the battle with my family.. ( Let's see, it was me against my dad, mum and sis,so OF COURSE I LOST!!  ) They've just got this thing against me going to KL. Oh wait, they've got this thing against me going anywhere! They keep telling me that the world just isn't safe anymore. But they can't keep me locked up forever, right? Someday, ( very soon actually..) i'm gonna have to go to college, find a job and survive on my own. And the sooner i learn to do so, the better! Oops, didn't realize how late it was.. ( its almost 3 a.m! ) Guess i better try to sleep a lil bit at least. I'm going to cook pasta in my friend's house tomorrow, yummy..!  Night!

      Wow, so this is how it feels like to go without sleep for two whole days in a row!  ( not that i'm really proud of this or anything.. ) If i was given a choice, i would definitely wish to sleep more at night, rather than during the rest of the day..  i went for my first driving test lecture (undang), from 7 a.m til 5 p.m today, and amazingly, last night i didn't sleep a wink! ( due to an idiot who promised to call, but forgot and went to sleep instead..  ) Hmph, anyway, thankfully i managed to catch some beauty sleep halfway during the lecture!  ( i couldn't help it you know, the air-conditioned room, "interesting" lecture, and comfy chair provided a totally conducive environment to catch up on lost sleep!  )

      The worst part was, after i got home around 6 p.m, my mom was totally in bitchin mode, since i asked two of my best friends over for dinner and she said she'd make pizza for us. Problem was, mom had a hospital appointment today so she was also running late. (The maid is staying at my aunt's house, so i guess she got pissed cause i wasn't around to help..) i rushed home, helped a lil, and collapsed on my bed for 'bout 15 minutes before my friends came.. (Oh no, i've just remembered.. Gotta drag myself outta bed tomorrow morning at 9 a.m for band practice..!  ) ( Managed to thank my mom for the wonderful pizza she made just now..  )

      Oh, and i met some friends at the driving centre just now. One of them smokes weed, ( or was it marijuana?? ) and has kindly offered me some to try next time.. Hmm, i've always wanted to try .. ( not to become addicted to it, but it's just out of curiousity..) The same guy is also gonna ask around for this job i'm hoping to apply for..(It's to teach English to small kids..   ) Ugh, i'm really exhausted now, my computer screen is steadily blurring before my watery eyes.. Good night!

      Went for a steam-boat party just now.. It was held in honour of my friend's 18th birthday, as well as to bid farewell to two others, who would be leaving to Ipoh for further studies this Friday..And so, i start my blog for today in a depressed mood.. (again) Funny isn't it, how life never seems to go the way you want it to? ( in the 1st place, my life rarely seems to go anywhere, much less the way i want it to!  ) Throughout these few weeks, i've learnt that no matter how hard fate tries to match you with someone, chances are nothing's probably gonna happen if you don't take the initiative yourself to make it happen! ( that i learned at a recent camp.. ) Anyway, today marks Day 2 in my attempts to forget this guy? It's not my ex, its someone i didn't really know very well.. Heck, it was someone i didn't know at all..! Until i met him somewhere, that is.. (can't say where, sorry!) Thing is, how much can you trust someone you hardly know at all? I doubt if a week is enough, right? But then again, what about arranged marriages, where the bride and groom don't even meet till the wedding itself?? Anyway, back to this guy.. He seems sincere enough, but i don't seem to know what's on his mind ( the rare calls due to the long distance may be part of the reason.. ) Besides, his working hours are terrifying, and he disappointed me big time by working late ( or so he claimed ) on one of my rare visits to KL. And so, after much thought, (and with the help of this book i'm currently reading), i've realized that its pointless to allow my happiness to be dependant on some guy who's essentially not someone i trust..(Is he a sweet talker? Hell, yes! ) Guess i'll soon learn to distinguish the creeps from the nice guys..   This is what i've been doing to distract myself during the hardest part of my journey to move on..

Yesterday (Day 1)

Thoughts throughout the day:

12.30 p.m : (Just woke up..) Any messages from him? Oh wait, this is my first day of                     recovery.. Oops!  

1.30 p.m : Damn it, don't they ever fix the bloody church organ?? ( i was in church,                 practicing my songs for Mass on the 22nd Jan..This would be my 1st time                 playing after quitting 2 years ago!! ) Wonder if he'll even know that im                 playing the organ..

3.30 p.m : Yummy, these cookies are delicious!! ( helped mom to bake some cookies;  As the old saying goes,  Good on the lips, fat on the  hips..!  )

Night :  My, my.. What a nice clean bag i actually have..! ( Finally got around to washing my pink Tropicana bag, goodness knows it's needed a bath since i spilled oyster sauce on it last year, followed by some mud, chilli sauce, and er..lets just say that the bag has a really klutzy owner..   )

  And so, the first day passed.. Enters the second day, i baked some more cookies, rearranged my room, unpacked, reorganized my photo albums ( there were more than 50 albums..!! ), and basically occupied myself with stuff to do.. Guess it worked, 'cause i don't feel like replying his messages anymore.. Though its a pity he's such a workaholic and so irresponsible in other aspects, as i could've really fallen for this guy.. Anyway, itz almost 3 in the morning now, shall continue tomorrow.. Night..!

     Ugh, i'm feeling so irritable and cranky now.. (Probably due to lack of sleep, horrible unsupporting family, and over-musings as to whether my crush still likes me or not ) Anyway, thank God i'll be going to KL for the Star education fair this weekend, and staying at my sis's house. I think if i have to stay in Kuantan for the rest of my life, i'll end up in Rumah Bahagia! (or Tanjung Rambutan, whichever is further from this hell ! ) To add to the general feeling of gloom, i now know what my family would think about me if i were to pursue my ambition. ( Nope, they're not gonna congratulate me..Quite the opposite, in fact..)  Today, i almost missed a huge chance to try something that means a lot to me, something i've wanted to do ever since i was.. 'bout fourteen? Luckily i managed to persuade my dad, so now i'm waiting to see if i'll be chosen!

      One of my best friends pierced her navel today. It was quite a terrible experience, for me..!  ('cause i practically collapse at the sight of blood) I couldn't resist peeking a lil when i heard the exclamations of how much blood was oozing out.. ( though i immediately regretted doing that, since there were quite a lot of bloody tissues on the table already.. ) Hehe, anyway, after she'd pierced it, i was the one who had to sit down and rest for a while, not her! She took it very well i supppose, since there was a considerable amount of blood when the needle went in.. (eew..) Oh well, at least i've made another 2006 Resolution to add to my list.. And the resolution is.... :

      ---»  Never pierce anywhere other than my ears.

      Oh look, its midnight already.. My ex was teaching me Mandarin the whole night. Its feels kinda weird, us still being such good friends and all that..He may even be studying at the university as me this coming May! Its really ironic though, 'cause just when we broke up, things started getting much better for us. For example, my parents finally allowed me to go out at night, and my dad even asked me why my ex wasn't coming along at first! ('cause he usually fetches me around.. ) Not only that, we now get along much better as friends than when we were together!

      As for my "eat less" diet, i guess its going on quite well so far..At least, i think it is.. Till today, i've skipped breakfast almost everyday, erm, failed to restrain myself from supper last night, but i shall try harder this time! Hmm, talking bout food.. I'm feeling kinda hungry right now, shall go make maggi mee.. ( the diet is temporarily postponed ) Hehe, night!

          I can't believe it..! Things are finally working out at last.. (for today anyway) Hehe, i shall not elaborate on it yet, as the results are not final. Lets just say, my whole life depends on what happens tomorrow at 2pm..

         Anyway, i've just realized that its already the 4th of Jan 2006, and i haven't even planned any New Years Resolutions yet! Ahem, i now present you with my 2006 Resolutions..Enjoy!

         ---»  Complete last year's resolutions...!

         ---»  Lose some more weight ( that camp already took care of 3kgs.. )

         ---»  Learn  Mandarin ( i swear i totally suck at my native language )

         ---»  Celebrate my birthday with the one that matters most to me

         ---»  Start adjusting to a single ( i.e, lonely ) life.. 

         ---»  Skip one major meal a day ( either breakfast, lunch or dinner )

         ---»  Keep in touch with the nuts who've gone to college.

               ( i'm gonna miss u guys so much..!!  )

        ---»  Not leave my coursework till the last minute (like what i did for SPM )

        ---»  Get a part-time job (living in KL's like throwing $$ away everyday!)

        ---»  Um, be a better person?

        ---»  Have more cirit-birit! ( Diarrhea )

        ---»  Learn to eat Indian food.. ( Thus, get more diarrhea..!  )

      Okay, now that i've got that out of the way, allow me to sigh in relief 'cause my article on the camp is done, and sent to be printed already! Thank goodness i managed to squeeze enough outta my head to write a decent page-long article on it! Hehe, the fact that i managed to even type a single sentence at the eleventh hour (more like 3.30 a.m) on the nite before the deadline is a miracle itself..! (Of course, i did not include the awful stuff like the food there.. ) Oh no, gotta go, i've just discovered that my break up with my ex wasn't as smoothly done as i thought.. Now i have to settle it with him, all over again.. (Apparently, we're still together..)

Oh no, i feel a headache coming along.. Bye..!

   Arghh, my article on a camp i attended recently is due tomorrow!! And as usual, (being me) one can just imagine how much i've written bout it so far.. ( Answer: nothing, not a single word.. ) How i wish the article would just write itself so i needn't have to crack my head over it..! I guess some would say im a procastinator, but i prefer to call it "waiting for inspiration to strike!"  Unfortunately for me, inspiration still has not clubbed me over the head yet, so i shall just complete this blog while waiting.. Actually, its not really hard to describe what the camp was all bout, the bigger problem would be making it sound interesting (and fun), since i completely hated some of the activities there.. Hmm, to lie or not to lie? (oh, who cares, screw the bloody article.. )

   Lets see, i'm now a perfect mixture of confusion, happiness, cynicalism (is there such a word??) and blurness (not enough sleep lately).. Oh, wait, gotta write this 1st. I'm chatting with my friends on MSN, and many of them are leaving for college, university and some already left. It feels so weird, saying goodbye to all those nuts that i've known so well here in Kuantan..But then again, i shall soon be leaving too, probably after my results are out, and i'll probably make new friends wherever i'm headed to next..Somehow, it won't really be the same without them anymore..(*Sigh) Too depressed to write anymore, shall go eat my dinner now, Bye!