" A stone in the hand, is worth two birds in the bush.. "

        ( Hmm.. That doesn't sound right.. )

" A bird in the hand, is worth two stones in a bush..?? "

        ( Nope, that sounds decidedly worse..!  )

Erm..

" A bird and stone in the hand, are worth a bush..?? "

         ( Oh, screw it.. )

         Hehe, whatever the saying really was, hopefully someone shall correct me in future.. Now, what i was really trying to say through that (horribly complicated) idiom above :

         As we all know, your's truly here is desperately in need of a job, be it a part-time or full-time job, involving cleaning dirty dypers, slaughtering pigs, cows, rats ( or anything you want " taken care of " basically ), digging paralyzed people's noses, ( hey, someone's gotta do it..! ), JUST GIVE ME A JOB..!!!

         Well, this time, maybe God took my prayers a lil too seriously.. Okay, this is the current situation :

Career prospect number 1 ( Nike / Adidas shops ) :

Advantages:

---> It pays a minimum of RM 530..!! ( not including commissions and bonuses..!  )

---> I get to choose one day off per week..! ( I'll take any day except Sunday, so i'l have an excuse NOT to go to church!  )

Disadvantages :

---> May have to work late night shifts

---> Haven't been interviewed yet ( but i was recommended by friends, so that shouldn't be too much of a problem, hopefully..  )

Career prospect number two ( some unknown shop nearby ) :

Advantages:

---> They definitely have a vacancy now, i can even start tomorrow if i want..! ( have another friend working there )

---> Office hours only, night shifts not needed ( not that it matters, since i cant sleep anyway, so why not earn some cash while i'm awake?  )

Disadvantages:

---> It only pays RM18 a day, and i doubt if i'l get any commision, much less a bonus..!

---> I have till tomorrow to decide if i want this job..!

         Hmm, my friend says the second job is definitely not worth it, since RM18 a day is not much if we compare it to what i'll get at Nike..

         But on the other hand, what happens if i turn down the second offer, and somehow, i don't get the first job either?? ( Then i'll feel really stupid, and start cursing myself.. which is not exactly how i imagined spending Valentine's Day this year..  )

         Oh very well, the unavoidable, long-dreaded, topic has finally arrived.. Once again, Valentine's Day has arrived, bringing with it.. hmm.. interesting opportunities? Or false hopes and more shattered illusions?

         Since this is my first Valentine's being single, i'm beginning to wonder, why all the hype bout this so-called "special" day anyway?

         Hmph, in my opinion, the media and those who'r already attached should also be considerate to those who're still single on V-Day and not over-do all the kissing, couply-thingies they keep showing on tv these few days!  ( or maybe i'm just a jealous bitch at the moment since the guy i like probably has a dozen dates or so? )

         Then again, my past experiences ( while i was attached ) on V-Day weren't that earth-shattering either. Considering that one of my exes gave me a blade as a V-Day gift. (Hmm.. Practical? He wants me to die? Or just plain weird?  )

*Maybe a coffin would've been better, then, my dear?   (* sigh* ) 

         Okay, truth is, i really needed a blade at that time, and he knew it, so he bought it as a surprise for me!  ( I remember being really touched 'cause  that meant he was obviously paying attention during my long rants and complaints on the phone.. )

         Oh, alright, i shall hold my judgment on this years' V-Day, since it only begun 2 hours ago. Who knows, i may meet my prince at the mall later?  ( NOT that i'm going to specifically "buaya" anyone there, but rather, i'm going to..erm..look for more jobs! Hehe, yeah right..  )

         Lastly, to everyone out there, whether you're single or attached, i wish you a HAPPY VALENTINE's DAY..!!  ( If you're attached, try not to gloat at those less-fortunate, kay? And if you're not, try not to murder any of your friends who are..! )

* My mom has started screaming at my grandma again. This is a good sign, cause it means my grandma is able to walk a lil now, and resume stealing cookies from the kitchen!

" When the going gets tough, the tough gets...? "

Diarrhea, of course...!!!

         Ugh, as you've probably guessed by now, i've got a severe case of diarrhea.. i always get diarrhea when i'm stressed out, ( imagine 3 weeks of non-stop "lau-sai" during my SPM!  ) plus a steadily-climbing fever, so i'm kinda drifting between realities at the moment..  (Please bear with me as i try to sort out my thoughts here..  )

         Before i forget, i wanna say a huge SORRY to all the people that i had to cancel plans with.. (Things have been a lil rough lately..)

         Well, my (Kuantan) grandmother's not feeling so good again.. During Chinese New Year last week (when i was in KL), i got a call from home, telling us that she nearly fainted, and vomitted a  lot..  (She usually bounces back after a few days, but this time..things don't look so good. )

         I hear my dad downstairs, preparing the new wheelchair we bought for her. ( I'm going down to help out as soon as i finish this ) Prior to this, she always insisted on walking everywhere, even whacking my mom when we suggested buying her a walking stick!  

         Then again, my grandma's already 90-plus years old, and i realize that no one can last forever.. Most of my grand-aunts who're much younger than her have already "gone", and my parents say it's a miracle she's outlived them all!

(* Oh my God, from what i can hear now, my whole family is taking turns wheeling each other downstairs!  Hehe, probably to make her feel comfortable bout it..)

         Back when i was in kindergarten, i was a real brat to my grandma on 2 occasions.. ( I vaguely remember thrashing her room once, and offering her an apple, then eating i myself.. ) As i grew older, ( i.e, grew a brain ), i realized how terribly wrong i was at those times. However, it was already too late to apologize to her, since :

--> she's completely deaf, ( my skills at sign-language wasn't adequate in this case )

--> i don't want to remind her what happened almost a decade-and-a-half ago..

         So how do i live with my guilt? Since the day it ( "it", being true guilt, remorse, regret.. ) hit me about 6 years ago, i have tried everything to make her as happy as possible, by taking care of her when she fell sick, watching television with her ( even though it was some Thailand soap opera ), listening to her stories bout the Japanese Occupation, staying up late into the morning when she had those horrible cramps thoughout my SPM, ( my whole family, including the maid, was sick, and i was the only one still standing..) and lately, being her pert-time walking stick and nurse..

         When i went to KL for almost the whole of december last year, my parents told me that she was extremely worried, and kept asking them where i was, did i go to KL to study so soon, when i was coming back, etc.. (My parents were kinda puzzled by this, cause she's never displayed such affection before.. They said she was really attached to me.. )

         Nevertheless, does all that lessen my ever-increasing guilt now that she's so frail?

No, it DOESN'T HELP ME ONE DAMNED BIT!! ( and i doubt if the guilt will ever go away.. ) 

          At the moment, i can barely walk myself, how am i supposed to feed and help my grandma around?? ( spent the whole afternoon alternately sleeping and bringing her around in the house cause everytime i got up to go sleep upstairs, she would ask where i was going.. )

         Now the last time i ever felt so helpless was when my dad had a relapse of vertigo, ( something similar to dizzyness, only much worse ) and my mom completely broke down, my sister was in KL ( working, of course ) and i had to dig out the family history myself, worry bout the insurance claims, make nidnight visits to the E.R,  pacify anabsolutely useless mom, she kept talking sprouting nonsense bout a tumour, and blaming everything on ME!!!  ( Like,hello?? How the f*** did i suddenly get the gift to cause vertigo to others?? ) and all that a mere week from my SPM! ( Okay, i'll admit that i'm a last-minute worker, so sue me..)

         Why must we die? Although i've had relatives pass away many times before, i didn't really know them very well. Also, my parents were always careful to find excuses to avoid me attending funerals.. ( i wonder why? )

         As a result, i have no idea what happens when someone close to you dies, probably i'll lose my head completely, and start screaming " F*** YOU!!! " at everyone attending the funeral in church..  Now that's one Mass i don't wanna play the organ for..

Mum : bla bla bla..( * Chinese word for bitch ) like you..bla bla..awful clothes..bla bla..inviting rape, useless daughter..no future..bla bla..

Me : Like, whatever..

* i'm not even listening, i'm watching a music video..

Hey, isn't that a lil harsh, u may ask?

         Well, think again. Which mother compares her own daughter to a prostitute anyway? Not to mention screaming and swearing in all languages.. ( at me, who else! )

         All that, and worse, just because i wanted to go hiking with my friend tomorrow! In moments like this, i really wish i was back in KL..!! ( Then again, nothing great waiting for me over there either.. )

         Thing i hate the most is, she keeps bringing up that stupid letter i wrote to her and my dad during this camp i attended last year.. ( we were asked to write what we really feel after several days at camp, and that kinda sentimental stuff) In between cursing at me, she keeps mentioning that bloody letter! ( Just cause i wrote how much i cared for them, and how sorry i was for being such a bitch at home.. )

         It was just a momentary slip up okay? (Damned atmosphere at camp must've softened me up, i didn't even want to write the stupid letter in the first place!!  ) All i intended to do was put the empty paper into the envelope, and give it to the facilitators, who'd then mail it to our parents.

         Unfrotunately, curiosity got the better of me, so i had to take a peek at what the others were doing.

*  In this case, "curiosity did not kill the cat", it made the cat write a letter she later regretted writing, and then it dug the cat's grave and pushed her into it..  (Hehe, try saying that last sentence very quickly..! )

         Anyway, to my utmost horror, i saw that most of them already had tears leaking out ( the letter-writing only started 5 minutes ago!  ), while a few guys were actually sniffling into tissues! Like, huh??

         Well, being the very unsentimental, unemotional, insensitive bitch that i was, i decided to give the letter-thingie a shot..

(After all, worst that could happen would be me laughing hysterically at the crap i wrote, then ripping the paper apart, right? )

WRONG..! SO DAMNED WRONG..!!

         In the end, i joined the throng of weeping people, and ended up asking for a tissue as well..! Hmph, so much for not crying..!  

         Speaking of which, my nose (which got banged during camp * tears..) has begun throbbing again yesterday.. ( By now, its agony to touch the bridge of my nose.. )

         Its been almost a month since the accident, what if that idiot who banged me fractured something in there?? Grr, medical advice anyone?

         Oh dear, i didn't intend to blog all those depressing thoughts down.. It was supposed to be a happy post, one bout how Chinese New Year has expanded my stomach (again) , an interesting lunch at Sunway Pyramid with a cool girl who's also a great listener, the Chinese New Year party at my house a few nights ago, and a few other happy thoughts..

         Right, i'll try to salvage what's left of this post..   ( Special thanks to the guy who called jus now and cheered me up immensely! )

Ahem.. the Chinese New Year Party..  ( at my house )

A huge round of THANK YOU's to all who came and made the party come alive, and made it till the end still alive.. ( erm, hopefully it was as fun for all of you as it was for me ), and especially to.. :

SEE JU VERN-  Thanks for coming early, getting the drinks ready, lending me your digital camera, and making conversation with those who felt a lil left out while i rushed around playing hostess..!

Pei Shan- Thanks for the delicious cookies and oranges you brought!

Shia Tsan- Muax, thanks for helpin me clear up the orange juice spills..!

SHALINNI GUNENDRAN- Thank you so much for calming down the extremely neurotic hostess just before everyone arrived..

( God only knows what would've happened if i had lost my head completely and went round greeting everyone with a "MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!" greeting..  )

Hehe, it was my first time organizing an impromptu party in my house.. Thoughts running through my head just before people started arriving?

10 minutes before the the crowd decended onto my house..

---> Shit, what happens if nobody shows up?? ( Damn embarrassing right, if you call everyone and no one turns up? )

5 minutes later..

---> Oops, what if too many people show up, and i don't have enough cookies?? (i was actually halfway running to the door, intending to buy more food when one of my friends' called and screamed that i had enough food to feed an entire army..  )

Less than a second later..

---> What am i gonna do with all these people??  Oh no, what if they just sit there all night, staring at me in an awkward silence??

---> Oh wait, what if they're too noisy instead, and if the guys start playing football and break something??

.........

        ( Well, the party wasn't really as nerve-racking as i thought it would be, probably because most of them knew each other anyway, with the exception of a few people.. )

         Altogether, i'd say it was an okay party..  Oh, ,and a huge thanks to those who came, whom i forgot to mention their names above.. ( Really sorry, cause my memory's pretty bad.. )

         Oh wow, its 3am as usual.. Guess i'll go eat some cookies, then watch a movie before sleeping..  Night!

Recently editted: * For a detailed account of the party,  please visit shalinni's blog, www.imagesofme.blogdrive.com..

Hehe, this was my favourite sentence from her latest post:

" Christine was telling the story of me getting my navel pierced and when she reached the part where the blood oozes out and Setinna asks what horror movie she was describing "

..Announcement..?

The author of this blog shall throw up if anyone offers her more food, cookies, chocolates, or everything else edible.. 

         Yup, i've once again committed 2 of the 7 DEADLY SINS.. That would be..GLUTTONY and SLOTH..   ( *sigh* ) It can't be helped you know, what with such delicacies being offered at every house we visit, and gross lack of self-control on my part.. 

         Now i shall suffer the consequences of gluttony, as i'm currently having indigestion, and feeling very bloated. ( in other words: constipated ) As for the sin of sloth-ing, ( is there even such a word?? ) we'll all know soon enough, since my scream when i weigh myself next week will be enough to make the dead come running after me.. ( at the moment, i've hidden my sister's weighing machine beneath a broken table.) Oh well, what would Chinese New Year be without the totally stoned looks of people ( okay, just me then..  ) who've eaten too much and can't be bothered getting up from the couch?

*   Skip the next paragraph if you're feeling particularly happy (or drunk ) and have no wish to read about depressing family histories.. ( or lack of it, in my case )

         Celebrations aside, i'm actually very stressed out now.. ( besides being bloated, that is.. ) Reason why? My family is visiting an extremely important aunt tomorrow morning. She's important cause she is the only link i have to my real family. ( She was the one who brought me to my current family ) Since i'm turning 18 soon, i feel that its finally time to know what my real parents look like, how many brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts, and uncles that i have, my medical history, and such stuff.. ( to those who've been gifted with slightly er..lagging..wits, let me simplify that : i'm adopted )

         How does one even begin to ask about her real, but unknown family? What would they look like?? I was only about 2 days' old when i was given to my current family, and we had no contact with them ever since.. There were some who claimed to understand how i feel about the whole thing. Truth is, i'm still very confused myself, so how would you know what i go through?

         Imagine then, knowing you were adopted ever since you were young, but nothing else bout your real family? Wondering if every stranger you meet could actually be related to you? Or worse, what about some weird genetic disease that you may be ignorant about, that can affect you in future? Only someone who has had such questions running through her head almost her entire life will understand what its really like to be me. As for tomorrow, i shall just have to wait and see, i guess.. Bye!

P/S : Another reason why i wanna know how my real family members look like would be to avoid marrying my own brother in future..!  Now that would be a tale worth telling..

         Hmm, the eve of Chinese New Year.. Eagerly awaited by some, terribly dreaded by others.. (Usually dreaded by those who'r already married but without kids yet.. ) Hehe, i used to be one of those who really hated Chinese New Year. Amazingly, not even the thought of receiving money could cheer me up! Reason why?

My mortal fear of lion dances.

      Yeah, go ahead and laugh.. But i assure you, it was no laughing matter back then, 'cause whenever Chinese New Year drew near, the slightest hint of drums ( even if it was actually a Chinese funeral passing by ), and i would flee (screaming pitifully) into whichever room, storeroom, (or er, toilet.. ) that's furthest away from the offending drums! Oh, how i lived in terror each time the end of January drew near.. ( Especially when i was forced to listen to the annual lion dance held outside SFX church in KL..!  ) Till today, i have no idea why i used to be so petrified of those damned drums.. ( Thankfully, i got over it bout 6 years ago ) 

         But enough of my.. interesting.. childhood.. What does Chinese New Year really mean to me anyway? Hmm, the tedious process of exchanging rotten oranges, dried seafood ( a.k.a dead and smelly shrimp, salted fish, etc.. ) That is, untill you cook it, then it becomes yummy and not so disgusting anymore!

         But WHY must we exchange 'angpows', oranges, expired chocolates, etc.. anyway? Based on what i've observed throughout the 17 years, ( okay, maybe just the last decade or so..) Chinese New Year is essentially just a season where:

--->  you're forced to do last-minute spring cleaning. ( by throwing everything under

        the bed and telling mom your room's clean )

--->  you bake dozens of cookies and watch them practically inhaled when

        guests ( who happily pop your painstakingly-made-cookies into their

        mouths!  ) arrive.

--->  you hurriedly wash your hair on the eve of Chinese New Year, and greet

       people with a forced smile the next day, wondering if your hair looks flat or oily.

      ( Since tradition says you can't wash your crowning glory on the 1st day of

        Chinese New Year )

       * Thank goodness its only the first day, imagine if we

         weren't allowed to wash our hair for the entire 14 days!! * Shudder..*

--->  you run around filling pretty red plastic bags with oranges, bottles of cookies,

         chocolates and fruits ( to be given to your guests ) , and receive an almost

       similar bag from your guests in return for your efforts.

         * I swear there was one year where i got really pissed at my mom for giving away a box of Ferraro Roche's ( which someone gave us in the first place ), only to discover the next day that another bunch of guests had visited later on and they gave us the exact box that i was sulking over! Talk bout the pointlessness of the merry-go-round of giving gifts huh?

         At this very moment, both of my aunts are screaming at my ( very, very deaf ) grandmother. ( poor thing.. ) It happens every year, so we're kinda used to it by now.. And the reason for this ( by ' this ' , i mean the screaming ) spectacular waste of energy, time and saliva? They're Buddhists you see, and they have some special rituals/prayers when it comes to Chinese New Year. Now, before my grandmother fell down, she used to get ready all the food, joss sticks, and stuff herself. Now that she can't walk by herself, she relies on my aunts and the maid to prepare them instead. Unfortunately, she keeps changing her mind bout how to prepare what, thus annoying those in the kitchen when they can't tell her why it can't be done, since she can't hear them..!

         Despite all my grumbling, i guess Chinese New Year isn't that bad after all.. True, i'll probably regain all the weight i lost the past few days ( imagine if i went from 47.5 kgs back to 52kgs.. Oh, the horror!  ) Hehe, despite all that, would i ever miss a good old traditional Chinese New Year celebration ( where eating, sleeping and receiving 'angpows' is the main agenda throughout all 14 days! ) with my family? *burpz* Hell, no!

*          The author of this blog doesn't strictly follow the old customs of the Chinese since her immediate family members are Chistians, while there is an uncertain mixture within the rest of her extended family. For example, she would like to stress that definitely washes her hair on Chinese New Year's Day! ( Otherwise, there would be a mass shortage of air-fresheners when guests come to visit. )

         With that, i end my post tonight, wishing all of you reading this a very HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR! To those who wanne collect 'angpows' from my parents, i'm currently in KL now, so gimme a msg or email for the address.  Bye!

A conversation to remember.. ?  NOT..!!

Guy ( whispers shyly ) : I love you.. I miss your smile.. Will you be my gF? When can

                                      i see you again??

Girl (who has a tiny crush on the guy) : Umm, i'm sorry but you've gotta give me

                                                              some time, so we can get to know each

                                                              other a lil better.. Why the rush anyway?

Guy:  .........

* an uncomfortable silence that lasts a few minutes ensues..

Girl: Hello? Are you still there? Its not that i don't like you or anything, i think you're

        really nice, but... it's just too fast.. Do you understand what i'm trying to say?

Guy : Umm, well, why can't we get to know each other after you say yes? Don't

         worry, i have one day off per week. I'll travel by bus to visit you then..!

Girl: I'm really sorry, but i feel that we should definitely not rush things.. How bout

        taking things slowly,  okay?

Guy:  Yeah, sure. I'll think about it.. Umm, ya know what? i think i've gotta go..

          Sorry kay? Take care, Bye!

* End of phone conversation..

       Bewildered girl is left staring at the phone, wondering if she made the right choice by rejecting the cute guy who asked her.. Cute, yes, but he was still someone new, a virtual stranger to her! (i.e, someone who hadn't gained her trust yet )

         As she lay awake that night, she thought of her decision.. All she wanted, was to know if his heart was as good as his looks, and how far would he make the effort to get to know her better as the weeks went by. ( After all, the wait would be worth it if he was really as great as he seemed.) The first few weeks, he called occasionally and she managed to get a glimpse of his life..

         What she saw worried, and even confused her, however. There was just too much intensity, and no moderation what-so-ever! The guy seemed to live by the old proverb, " Work hard, play hard ". ( When he wasn't working hard, he was partying hard..) He didn't seem to find anything odd about coming home at dawn, or finishing a box of cigarettes a day..

         After a while, the girl began to wonder, if his actions really were the norm of the people where he lived. Perhaps her own standards were too high, then? However, she had made her choice, that is, her own values would come before other's, and so she tried to forget him. It shouldn't have taken her such a long time to do something as simple as that, (since his sudden coldness and lack of calls hurt and confused her even further), but it did. The worst was, he kept alternating between pestering the girl for her answer, ( as he didn't accept her "No" the first time he asked her ) and ignoring her completely.

         She couldn't take it anymore, as it was slowly driving her mad. And so, with the help of her best friends, she began to forget the past, and let go. It wasn't easy, but soon her bitterness faded away, and she began to laugh again. She also learnt ( the very hard way ) the invaluable lesson that talk is cheap, as actions speak louder than words.. Sometimes she wonders, if most of them out there are jerks just as he was, and she lapses into cynicism and dry humour once more..

THE END

* DISCLAIMER: ALL CHARACTERS IN THE STORY TOLD ABOVE ARE

                         COMPLETELY FICTIONAL..! THEREFORE, ANY RESEMBLANCE

                         BETWEEN THE CHARACTERES ABOVE AND PEOPLE IN REAL

                         LIFE WAS PURELY INTENTIONAL. THANK YOU FOR READING!

Question that's on my mind at the moment...

" Is it normal for an insomniac to lose her appetite after several sleepless nights?? "

         Hmm.. On the other hand, is it normal to have several sleepless nights at all? I wasn't always plagued by insomnia you know.. Once in a while, i would actually manage to be dead to the world by 1 or 2 a.m..! ( *sigh* ) Anyway, back to my question.. It's kinda weird, cause all of a sudden, yesterday, i completely lost my appetite!! Like, wtf?? Eating used to be my favourite past-time ever since..forever! ( especially since going for that camp, i've now learned the true value of fast-food!  ) Oh well, bright side is... I'm now 48.5 kgs...!!!! Hehe, to some people, it may not be much, but i think going from 53 kgs to 48.5 kgs is major accomplishment, right?  ( Then again, hope i start eating normally soon, and not become anorexic, bulimic, or anything worse..  )

         Oh, wait, i did eat today..!! Totally forgot that i had some "chicken fingers" that my friend, Sha, offered me this afternoon.. Hehe, i know, "chicken fingers" sound kinda gross, but its actually normal chicken nuggets, only in bite-sized pieces..! ( I was a lil surprised at first since i've never heard of it before.. ) Spent an amazingly enjoyable and refreshing time at Sha's this whole afternoon.. Umm, even fell asleep ( for almost an hour..! ) while Sha watched reruns on Astro.. It was really sweet of her to invite me over, since she knows i still need loads of activities to keep me sane ( for now anyway ), and at the same time, someone who's willing to hear me complain and sob over my unfortunate life. After ranting bout a certain someone to Sha, (and both of us alternately cursing that someone.. ) , i felt so damned tired that i dozed off almost immediately.. Guess she thought i needed to sleep pretty badly ( due to worsening insomnia ) so i only woke up blearily when my dad called..Thank you so much Sha, words cannot express how grateful i am to you..!    ( and also to my friends who've helped me in some way or another, luv you guys to pieces!  *especially those who tried "intro-ing" me to new people.. )

         I shall be going to KL for a week the day after tomorrow..( for Chinese New Year ) Now, i'm not sure whether to laugh, or to cry since life seems to hand me perfectly good opportunities at the worst damnest times..! Ironically, the very reason i wanted to go to KL so much is now the one reason why i loathe going there! ( the less said bout that, the better.. )

         Oh, its only 1.50 a.m.. What should i do now? Hmm, guess i could always go improvise the songs for band practice tomorrow morning..And as usual, i havn't even opened the list of songs i'm supposed to play! ( Procrastinator i shall be, no matter what else changes in my life.. ) After that, it'll be watching a movie in the afternoon! Then i'll have to rush home to pack at night, since i'll be leaving the following morning.. ( Hehe, see what i mean bout me leaving everything till the last minute? ) Kay, i'm gonna go look for my music sheets now, er.. think i lost them somewhere during the last practice..Oopz..!   Bye..!

         Okay, this is gonna be a short post cause it's really late (erm, its 3am so to some people i guess it's really early.. ) Anyway, i was just thinking..

"How deep is my faith as a Christian?"

Answer: (i think, probably as deep as a dish of water.. )

      Why do i criticize myself so harshly? Its simple, really.. One example should more than prove it.. Okay, this Christian camp i went to last month? They had this freaky "healing session", where this priest prayed on each individual. Many people were already sobbing or plain possesed by the time it was their turn to be prayed upon. ( Even my own sister fainted after he prayed on her! ) Meanwhile, yours truly was watching the whole scene with amusement at first, then with growing horror as they had to clear the hall since so many people were "slain in the Lord" and were dead to the world! I really couldn't feel anything, after the whole incident some of my friends said they felt a warm glow while ohers had uncontrollable shivering fits.. As for me..? Read on..

* Welcome to Christine's panicked and disjointed thoughts as her turn to be prayed upon grew nearer :

ME:

"Oh shit, only 3 more people and it's gonna be my turn larh..! Die, why don't i feel anything?? Oh no, 2 more people then its my turn...!!

5 minutes later..

" F***, 1 more person and its my turn..!! I wonder if i can pretend that i need to go to the bathroom? Oopz, too late, some facilitator seems to be guarding the damn door.. But i really do feel sick..!! ( I didn't eat much, so i was slightly lightheaded )

1 minute later...

PRIEST (talking to me) :

" Surrender yourself to God, let Him take control of you,.. bla bla bla,..you must relax your mind and body..bla bla... 

* Priest lifts my hands, continues asking me to let go..

ME:

" Oopz, i feel like laughing..!! Shit, i doubt if this was what he meant by letting go, i must control, must not burst out laughing..  Maybe i should just pretend to faint or something? Erm, on 2nd thoughts, better not.. (i may hit my head on the floor if that guy doesn't catch me in time.. ) Oh, THANK GOD, he's finished praying over me..! Yippee, now i can get back to my seat and watch other people faint..!  "

..............

      Yup, that about sums up the depth of my faith.. Sad, isn't it? Then again, i've met so-called Christians at that camp who smoke, gets drunk and goes clubbing till dawn.. I don't wanna judge anyone ( who knows, i may do the same after i move to KL..) so that's all for now, night..!

Location: Upstairs hall

Mood: DECIDEDLY GLOOMY

Prayer for now?

"God, give me a miracle, please make me forget that camp i went to last month.. "

Weight lost ?: 1.5 kgs !!!    ( Oh alright, mood is slightly improving..  )

         ( *Sigh* ) Last night would be my most miserable one in history.. ( i just couldn't sleep! ) Not only did i have to cram loads of Undang crap into my head (the exam was supposed to be today), i also had to improvise and sort out the church songs i'm gonna play for Mass this Sunday! Oh, and i had to worry bout my sprained (or twisted?? i've no idea..) wrist. Guess its time to accept the fact that my right-hand wrist definitely needs time to heal before it can start playing music again. ( i blame this entirely on myself, since i twisted it beautifully last year but was too stubborn to see a doctor and immobilize it..  ) I had such a scare last night when i couldn't even flip a light switch without wincing in pain..! Thank goodness, went to see a dr today.. ( painkillers, a wristguard and plenty of rest should do the trick..) Even if it doesn't help, there's nothing much i can do now.. Sometimes, i get really pissed at the people in my church. Its like, when the organist plays just ONE note wrong, almost everyone in church turns and gives you that look.. (the worst are those who give the condescending smiles.. ) Thankfully, I don't get such stares anymore, probably cause of either one of these reasons.. :

a) Hmm, I've improved a lot throughout these 5 years? ( Hehe, yeah right..  )

b) I now return every stare with my own, well practiced "if-you're-so-great-why-don't  you-come-here-and-play-instead?" glare.

c) I don't really care what people think of my performance anymore. After all, i'm not playing for them..!

   *You may skip this part, cause its kinda boring.. ( or rather, more boring than usual..?  )

         Besides worrying bout old injuries,  i've also been pretty busy looking for things to do to fill my time. ( Since i'm moving on with my life and all that.. ) It's a lot harder than i thought, this whole "moving on" business.. Sometimes life feels so unbearable that you just wanna pick that person from your dreams and hug him!!   Anyway, back to my progress on forgetting that certain someone.. Playing in the band which my friends and I started for fun really helps as i need all the concentration to improvise songs.. Between that, baking uncountable amounts of cookies with my mom for Chinese New Year, hunting for suitable colleges or universities, going out with my friends, partying and reading loads of storybooks (when insomnia strikes at night), i guess my plan to "self-distract" is working pretty well.. Then again, i feel like i'm on a wheel, sometimes i manage not to think of him, sometimes i don't.. Oh well, wish me luck!  ( As in, luck to stabilize myself, not with that guy! )

         Oh, before i end, i have something very important to blog down.. i'd like to pay tribute to my dear friend, PRESENA!! Hehe, recently i gave her my blogsite, and she feels like i've forgotten her after all these years... ( She moved away 5 years ago..  ) How could i ever forget all the fun (and sometimes poignant ) memories we had back in primary school?  And so, i hope you come and visit me for Chinese New Year Pres, miss yah!!  With this, i wish all the insomniacs out there a very good night..! (or morning, whichever suits you..  ) Bye!

        Before i begin, i would like to say a huge THANK YOU  to my friend (you know who you are.. ) who gave me my first driving lesson..!  It was really nice of him, since i was really, really blur and it was my first time sitting at the wheel! ( Hell, i didn't even know how to start the engine!  ) Luckily, he's the patient sorta guy, so we managed pretty well in the end, i think..  ( With another friend laughing crazily at the back..  But it was really nice of her to agree to sit in the car while i drove, thank you sha!!  ) Back to my umm, "instructor".. He took a great risk teaching me since i could've crashed us both to heaven (or hell, wherever.. !  ) at any moment.. Hehe, and i would like to apologize to him for breaking his car handle.. ( Umm, the less mention of that incident, the better..!  )

         It's true you know, that money is the root of all evil. ( Or rather, it is, when your family is arguing over it a mere week away from Chinese New Year..! ) Its not my immediate family who's doing the arguing, its more like some aunts and uncles. Their argument is steadily getting more ridiculous with each passing day, as further shit from the past gets dug up.. Lets see, the hot topic for now would be the  "astounding"  amount of RM 500 that my ( long dead ) great-grandfather borrowed from my aunt-in-law's grandfather's nephew..! (or something like that..) Like, HELLO..? The borrower and the lender are both DEAD!!! So why cant their descendants just move on and get a life? In the end, my parents stepped in and paid the damned amount to the accusing party.. Hopefully, that settles it, and we shall hear no more outrageous debts during Chinese New Year.. As far as i'm concerned, this whole affair means one red packet less for me this year!  (Rather selfish of me, don't you think? )

         There's a gathering tomorrow in KL for those who attended the camp i was at last December.. Of course, i shall NOT be going since i lost very badly during the battle with my family.. ( Let's see, it was me against my dad, mum and sis,so OF COURSE I LOST!!  ) They've just got this thing against me going to KL. Oh wait, they've got this thing against me going anywhere! They keep telling me that the world just isn't safe anymore. But they can't keep me locked up forever, right? Someday, ( very soon actually..) i'm gonna have to go to college, find a job and survive on my own. And the sooner i learn to do so, the better! Oops, didn't realize how late it was.. ( its almost 3 a.m! ) Guess i better try to sleep a lil bit at least. I'm going to cook pasta in my friend's house tomorrow, yummy..!  Night!